Hard to believe it has been 17 years.
What a crazy amazing journey we've had.
I am praising my Father from whom all blessings flow that I can write "Happy 17th Anniversary!"
We have certainly experienced ups, downs, joys, heartache, fascinations and frustrations, successes and failures..
Admittedly, before a couple weeks ago, as I scrolled through facebook seeing so many friends write their anniversary posts, I wondered what I would write.
Many posts appear that all is perfect and no struggles exist (I'm fairly certain this isn't the case but when you are struggling it seems that way).
As I read those posts, my heart sunk a little with each one.
I truly was happy for them, but sad that at that moment I couldn't write the same things about our marriage and honestly a little worried about what I would feel like writing on our anniversary.
Marriage is hard.
Dare I say, it may be even harder for Christians.
We have a very real enemy out there who "comes only to steal and kill and destroy." John 10:10a
Few things could stop our witness quicker, our serving the Father faster than divorce.
He "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
He could have gotten us.
My heart aches as I see families torn apart by sin.
Families who give in to sin then give up on their spouse, their marriage.
Yet, I can see how our sinful flesh along with our enemy leads many to think that is the only solution.
We have had some tough days, weeks, months and years in our 17 years of marriage.
So thankful for the mentors and friends who joined us in praying for wisdom and change.
Our Father hears our prayers.
On our knees we have time and again asked Him to help us.
Help us learn to show love, to speak with grace and mercy, to have peace in our home.
He always answers.
We'd pray. We'd talk. It would get better then again we'd sink back into our selfish, prideful selves - choosing to take off the new clothes He gave us and put back on the old worldly clothes.
Last week we had the blessing of attending a marriage conference provided by a lovely couple from Singapore International Baptist Church. Perfectly timed (as God's timing always is), it was held two days prior to our anniversary.
We had some precious friends who graciously agreed to keep our children for two nights so that we could attend. This is no easy task - for me or for friends. :) First time we've left our kiddos here in country. I'm pretty sure I missed them more than they missed us with all the fun they had. :) Here they are with their homemade swords and super cool tye dyed t-shirts they made. Friends who will completely alter their life for a few days so that you can be fed by His Spirit are a gift from the Lord.
Weeks before the conference we began to pray that God would utilize the leaders to speak His truth clearly to all in attendance.
That our hearts and minds would be open to hear it and to truly allow Him to work in us to change us.
That first day was tough.
Listening to how to improve communication and resolve conflict...then practicing...
Refinement is painful.
Admitting I have been wrong - painful.
Admitting he was right...ummm a little painful....
I think my hubby may have shared some of those sentiments as well.
2nd day a little better.
...After the pain is healing.
Not immediate, but healing.
Renewed promises to try, really try.
Knowledge gained to aid us in living life together better.
Isn't it interesting that the Lord doesn't always tell us new things to teach us what we need?
Rather, sometimes He chooses to use someone else to say what we already know or have heard to make things clear.
Maybe I am the only one this happens to, but sometimes my hubby makes his best effort to tell me things and I just simply don't understand and vice versa.
Yet, when someone else tells you the same thing, it is like the blinders are removed.
My hubby has told me many times that I don't respect him and how this can cause his attitude and actions to be less than I desire.
I truly didn't get it.
My flesh said to me, "He is just trying to blame you."
See how our evil flesh can use that?
See how I just made an agreement with satan when I bought into that?
During the conference we talked about the agreements ('always' and 'never' thoughts) we make with satan, our very real enemy as believers in the One True God.
Some examples of agreements with him:
"It's just too hard to try."
"I would be happier with someone else."
"This will always be this way."
"I married the wrong person."
Don't allow yourself to make those or any other agreements with him!!!
He is the "Father of lies." John 8:44
Stop and pray - cry out to Jesus. He has already won, and we can too when we rely on Him.
However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33.
We simply were not doing this well, at least not in a way that spoke those things to each other. As much as he would tell me I wasn't respecting him, I would tell him he wasn't showing love to me.
We could make excuses.
Transition. culture shock. Identity loss in this move (going from a respected job to an illiterate student)...
Excuses fail. They lead us to blaming, looking at weaknesses (and usually not our own).
Remember the part about taking the plank out of our own eye before we remove the speck from our neighbors? I'm pretty sure no neighbor is as close in proximity as our own spouse.
Truth be told, understanding respect has been hard for me.
I understand the idea but how to show it has always been difficult for me to grasp.
Last week I gained clarity as I read in the Amplified Bible Ephesians 5:33:
And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband - that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly.
The verbs (or how-to's) again - respect, reverence, notice, regard, honor, prefer, venerate, esteem, defer to, praise, love and admire.
And the next line says, "Only if he has been good, loving, patient, kind, forgiving, continually being all you hoped he would be." No, NO it doesn't say that.
Thankfully our Father doesn't do that to us either. He DOESN'T say:
"I will continue my relationship with you and prepare a place in Heaven for you as long as you never have a bad thought, say or do anything unkind (with body language, tone, volume or words)..."
Praise the Lord He doesn't demand this of us!
We are sinners - saved by grace, striving toward what is ahead but none of us who are writing or reading this today is perfect or without sin.
Why do I demand such of my husband?
The If he would just ... - Then I would ...?
Sin.
Agreements with the enemy.
Reality hit me square in the face.
My hubby had continually tried to tell me those words - it just hadn't registered like it did last week.
God used the marriage conference to open my ears, eyes, mind and heart to truly hear it. Alan and Lynda Moore (the conference leaders) stated this:
God created men to thrive on respect. When this comes from the wife, he is both strengthened and challenged to become a better man and husband. Your husband wants and needs to make a contribution in life that is worthy of your respect.
The #1 question your husband deals with on a regular basis? "Am I able and am I adequate enough?"
He desperately needs to know you see him as both of these.
When he looks at you does he see a look that says "I believe in you?"
What are you reflecting to him?
I read it a few times, each time asking God to change me into the wife He desired me to be.
I can't attest to all that the men learned this week.
They have a pretty tough command to follow.
They talked about laying down their lives for their wives. Devoting themselves to her.
Filling her cup based on her love language(s).
Of course there was lots of talk about sex too - it was a marriage conference and as shocking as it is God created sex for pleasure within marriage. The Good Book even says we shouldn't resist each other for too long (gasp!)
So... it is not too surprising we talked about it a lot!
Have you ever watched any of Mark Gungor's videos? They are pretty funny while talking about this uncomfy topic in a group. :)
We watched about an hour and a half of his videos - you can find them on youtube or bing.
Here is a sneak peak about "climbing the palm tree."
I would personally recommend not watching with kids around - totally Biblical but his humor and, well, just watch it first with your spouse. :)
Our last night there we had a lovely candlelight dinner.
We ate some yummy Western food.
Then as strange as this sounds, we read our homework assignment out loud to our spouses.
This assignment was full of praises ONLY praises. "20 things I like about you, I like it most when you ___, I enjoy it most when we do these 3 things together..." ALL praises. Many we had never spoken out loud (at least not in many years) or if spoken previously it was usually followed by a "but you could do X better."
This night of praise (with no addendum or agendas) is definitely an exercise worth practicing on occasion. :)
God used His word and knowledge taught at this conference to continue to transform us.
Now I still cannot write a facebook post that states our life is a fairy tale.
However, I continue to testify - He is faithful!!
We have had a pretty amazing adventure the last 17 years. Not always easy. Not always joy filled. We've experienced many trials, many failures, as well as many blessings and much grace.
There is no one else I'd rather be with on this journey. I am thankful God brought us together and that He isn't done with us yet.
I am truly looking forward to the next 17 years together as I believe they will be even better than the first. :)
I don't know all you have experienced in your marriage.
I don't pretend to know what you need to hear or what you should do.
However, I do know the One and Only One who does.
Call on Him.
Soak up His Word.
He is faithful.
Come to Him so He can give you rest.
Earlier I shared John 10:10a... that was the bad news, but lets look at the whole picture (which provides a glimpse of our Heavenly Father's amazing love).
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
"to the full."
What a crazy amazing journey we've had.
I am praising my Father from whom all blessings flow that I can write "Happy 17th Anniversary!"
We have certainly experienced ups, downs, joys, heartache, fascinations and frustrations, successes and failures..
Admittedly, before a couple weeks ago, as I scrolled through facebook seeing so many friends write their anniversary posts, I wondered what I would write.
Many posts appear that all is perfect and no struggles exist (I'm fairly certain this isn't the case but when you are struggling it seems that way).
As I read those posts, my heart sunk a little with each one.
I truly was happy for them, but sad that at that moment I couldn't write the same things about our marriage and honestly a little worried about what I would feel like writing on our anniversary.
Marriage is hard.
Dare I say, it may be even harder for Christians.
We have a very real enemy out there who "comes only to steal and kill and destroy." John 10:10a
Few things could stop our witness quicker, our serving the Father faster than divorce.
He "prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour." 1 Peter 5:8
He could have gotten us.
My heart aches as I see families torn apart by sin.
Families who give in to sin then give up on their spouse, their marriage.
Yet, I can see how our sinful flesh along with our enemy leads many to think that is the only solution.
We have had some tough days, weeks, months and years in our 17 years of marriage.
So thankful for the mentors and friends who joined us in praying for wisdom and change.
Our Father hears our prayers.
On our knees we have time and again asked Him to help us.
Help us learn to show love, to speak with grace and mercy, to have peace in our home.
He always answers.
We'd pray. We'd talk. It would get better then again we'd sink back into our selfish, prideful selves - choosing to take off the new clothes He gave us and put back on the old worldly clothes.
Last week we had the blessing of attending a marriage conference provided by a lovely couple from Singapore International Baptist Church. Perfectly timed (as God's timing always is), it was held two days prior to our anniversary.
We had some precious friends who graciously agreed to keep our children for two nights so that we could attend. This is no easy task - for me or for friends. :) First time we've left our kiddos here in country. I'm pretty sure I missed them more than they missed us with all the fun they had. :) Here they are with their homemade swords and super cool tye dyed t-shirts they made. Friends who will completely alter their life for a few days so that you can be fed by His Spirit are a gift from the Lord.
Weeks before the conference we began to pray that God would utilize the leaders to speak His truth clearly to all in attendance.
That our hearts and minds would be open to hear it and to truly allow Him to work in us to change us.
That first day was tough.
Listening to how to improve communication and resolve conflict...then practicing...
Refinement is painful.
Admitting I have been wrong - painful.
Admitting he was right...ummm a little painful....
I think my hubby may have shared some of those sentiments as well.
2nd day a little better.
...After the pain is healing.
Not immediate, but healing.
Renewed promises to try, really try.
Knowledge gained to aid us in living life together better.
Isn't it interesting that the Lord doesn't always tell us new things to teach us what we need?
Rather, sometimes He chooses to use someone else to say what we already know or have heard to make things clear.
Maybe I am the only one this happens to, but sometimes my hubby makes his best effort to tell me things and I just simply don't understand and vice versa.
Yet, when someone else tells you the same thing, it is like the blinders are removed.
My hubby has told me many times that I don't respect him and how this can cause his attitude and actions to be less than I desire.
I truly didn't get it.
My flesh said to me, "He is just trying to blame you."
See how our evil flesh can use that?
See how I just made an agreement with satan when I bought into that?
During the conference we talked about the agreements ('always' and 'never' thoughts) we make with satan, our very real enemy as believers in the One True God.
Some examples of agreements with him:
"It's just too hard to try."
"I would be happier with someone else."
"This will always be this way."
"I married the wrong person."
Don't allow yourself to make those or any other agreements with him!!!
He is the "Father of lies." John 8:44
Stop and pray - cry out to Jesus. He has already won, and we can too when we rely on Him.
However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33.
We simply were not doing this well, at least not in a way that spoke those things to each other. As much as he would tell me I wasn't respecting him, I would tell him he wasn't showing love to me.
We could make excuses.
Transition. culture shock. Identity loss in this move (going from a respected job to an illiterate student)...
Excuses fail. They lead us to blaming, looking at weaknesses (and usually not our own).
Remember the part about taking the plank out of our own eye before we remove the speck from our neighbors? I'm pretty sure no neighbor is as close in proximity as our own spouse.
Truth be told, understanding respect has been hard for me.
I understand the idea but how to show it has always been difficult for me to grasp.
Last week I gained clarity as I read in the Amplified Bible Ephesians 5:33:
And let the wife see that she respects and reverences her husband - that she notices him, regards him, honors him, prefers him, venerates and esteems him and that she defers to him, praises him and loves and admires him exceedingly.
The verbs (or how-to's) again - respect, reverence, notice, regard, honor, prefer, venerate, esteem, defer to, praise, love and admire.
And the next line says, "Only if he has been good, loving, patient, kind, forgiving, continually being all you hoped he would be." No, NO it doesn't say that.
Thankfully our Father doesn't do that to us either. He DOESN'T say:
"I will continue my relationship with you and prepare a place in Heaven for you as long as you never have a bad thought, say or do anything unkind (with body language, tone, volume or words)..."
Praise the Lord He doesn't demand this of us!
We are sinners - saved by grace, striving toward what is ahead but none of us who are writing or reading this today is perfect or without sin.
Why do I demand such of my husband?
The If he would just ... - Then I would ...?
Sin.
Agreements with the enemy.
Reality hit me square in the face.
My hubby had continually tried to tell me those words - it just hadn't registered like it did last week.
God used the marriage conference to open my ears, eyes, mind and heart to truly hear it. Alan and Lynda Moore (the conference leaders) stated this:
God created men to thrive on respect. When this comes from the wife, he is both strengthened and challenged to become a better man and husband. Your husband wants and needs to make a contribution in life that is worthy of your respect.
The #1 question your husband deals with on a regular basis? "Am I able and am I adequate enough?"
He desperately needs to know you see him as both of these.
When he looks at you does he see a look that says "I believe in you?"
What are you reflecting to him?
I read it a few times, each time asking God to change me into the wife He desired me to be.
I can't attest to all that the men learned this week.
They have a pretty tough command to follow.
They talked about laying down their lives for their wives. Devoting themselves to her.
Filling her cup based on her love language(s).
Of course there was lots of talk about sex too - it was a marriage conference and as shocking as it is God created sex for pleasure within marriage. The Good Book even says we shouldn't resist each other for too long (gasp!)
So... it is not too surprising we talked about it a lot!
Have you ever watched any of Mark Gungor's videos? They are pretty funny while talking about this uncomfy topic in a group. :)
We watched about an hour and a half of his videos - you can find them on youtube or bing.
Here is a sneak peak about "climbing the palm tree."
I would personally recommend not watching with kids around - totally Biblical but his humor and, well, just watch it first with your spouse. :)
Our last night there we had a lovely candlelight dinner.
We ate some yummy Western food.
Then as strange as this sounds, we read our homework assignment out loud to our spouses.
This assignment was full of praises ONLY praises. "20 things I like about you, I like it most when you ___, I enjoy it most when we do these 3 things together..." ALL praises. Many we had never spoken out loud (at least not in many years) or if spoken previously it was usually followed by a "but you could do X better."
This night of praise (with no addendum or agendas) is definitely an exercise worth practicing on occasion. :)
God used His word and knowledge taught at this conference to continue to transform us.
Now I still cannot write a facebook post that states our life is a fairy tale.
However, I continue to testify - He is faithful!!
We have had a pretty amazing adventure the last 17 years. Not always easy. Not always joy filled. We've experienced many trials, many failures, as well as many blessings and much grace.
There is no one else I'd rather be with on this journey. I am thankful God brought us together and that He isn't done with us yet.
I am truly looking forward to the next 17 years together as I believe they will be even better than the first. :)
I don't know all you have experienced in your marriage.
I don't pretend to know what you need to hear or what you should do.
However, I do know the One and Only One who does.
Call on Him.
Soak up His Word.
He is faithful.
Come to Him so He can give you rest.
Earlier I shared John 10:10a... that was the bad news, but lets look at the whole picture (which provides a glimpse of our Heavenly Father's amazing love).
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." John 10:10
"to the full."
